Moments
by aBeautifulLiar
Summary: Rachel wanted to turn around and tell Shelby how wrong she was - there were moments in her life when she needed her mom more than anything, and she knew there would be so many more moments in the future. But instead, she watched the woman walk away.
1. Three Years Old

**Disclaimer: I unfortunately do not own Glee – otherwise Finchel would have been together since episode one of season one; and Shelby and Rachel would have a lot more moments! So, that being said, nope.. I do not have the rights to Glee. **

**Moments **

"_There is no happiness, there is only moments of happiness." _

Three Years Old

Rachel Berry was a shy girl – something many would laugh at, if it was ever mentioned. She would hide behind her daddy's legs and tug on her dad's trousers when it came to meeting strangers, especially women. She was confused about how no one else seemed to have two daddy's, like she did.. but instead, they had a woman daddy, and a daddy-daddy.

She was young – too young – when she noticed the way people would look at her walking around, holding both her dads hands through the mall, or around the park. She never knew what some of the cruel words meant, she was too young to understand and she wasn't sure she even wanted to, but she knew the venom in their voices and she wondered, even at the age of three, why she was so different from everyone else.

She was playing in the sandpit happily, looking up to wave at her dads every so often. She liked to know they were there, it was just a week earlier that she had seen a _bad _man hit her daddy, calling him some _bad _names. She was only three years old, but she knew what love meant, and she knew who her dads were and she knew what a bad person was.

She hadn't notice another boy come up to join her in the sand, she was too involved in her own thoughts, humming a tune from a musical her daddy had been watching last night. The boy wasn't much older than her, as he looked at her before kicking down her sand-castle. When Rachel was much older, she'd tell the story as dramatically as she possibly could – tears pouring down her face as her beloved sand-castle was destroyed by a boy _much _older than herself! But in truth, the boy who could have been no older than five years old, glared down at her, "My daddy said that your daddy's shouldn't have you! You shouldn't have been allowed to be born! Everyone thinks so."

She didn't really understand, she could barely remember the memory but it stuck with her for her whole life. Tears were falling down the three year old girls face as she looked up at the boy and then down at her destroyed sand-castle, sniffing. She was too scared to say anything, afraid of more horrible things being said to her. She never understood how such a young child could harbour so much hate towards her when he never knew her. And right there and then, she completely blamed herself – had she done something wrong?

"Fag spawn!" It would be a few more years until she realized what it meant but she knew it was something meant to hurt her as her daddy ran up to her and took the tiny, sobbing girl in his arms, trying to comfort her as her dad shouted at the other boy, and the boys parents who had come running up after seeing the commotion. Her tiny arms wrapped around her daddy's neck as she cried harder, not liking the sound of her dad shouting. It scared her because he never got angry, especially not because of her.

She never resented having two dads, she loved them so much but as she was laying in her bed that night, trying to fall asleep, her young mind tried to think of what it would be like to have a woman daddy, too. Maybe people would like her then, '_your daddy's shouldn't have you!'. _She closed her eyes tight, picturing all the other women daddy's in the park, wondering what the difference was. She was so young, she didn't understand all the hate in the world. She was too young to comprehend the words completely, that when she woke up the next morning, the event was completely forgotten about – she never even asked why they never returned to the park ever again, just accepting the fact they had to take the car to go to the nearest park now.

Rachel could only wish that she had stayed that young, too young to realize the hate people had for two loving parents. She _needed _a mom to tell her not to worry about other people, but right then, in her three year old mind, she needed a mom because because didn't like what wasn't the norm. She needed a mom because... well, everyone else had one.


	2. Five Years Old

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

Five Years Old

"_Fill your life with as many moments and experiences of joy and passion as you humanly can. Start with one experience and build on it."_

She winced as her daddy tried his best to put a bunch in her long hair, biting down on her lip as she tried to stop herself from telling him to stop it, and to just give up. But she didn't want to hurt his feelings, she knew he was trying as hard as he could. So she sat there while he put her hair in _uneven _bunches, before he stood her up and looked. "There.. perfect." He grinned at her and she just nodded, offering a small thank you before running back upstairs.

It was her first day at school, and she was nervous already. Children her age had never really liked her, they immediately judged her by what their parents would say about two homosexual people having a child in the most unnatural way possible – after all, families were supposed to have two babies, a mommy and a daddy, and she only had one baby, and a daddy, and a dad. She was aware of the way people whispered, but she let it pass because she couldn't fully comprehend how much hate people could have for two loving parents.

She frowned at the reflection and sighed, moving her hands up to take the bunches out but shaking her head at herself. She knew her daddy would notice, and he would look a little upset if she did take them out, because he had taken twenty minutes to do them. She sighed, closing her eyes tight as she tried to think of having a mommy, who could actually do her hair right.

She bit her lip before straightening out her little skirt and animal jumper – it wouldn't have been her own _personal _choice but her dad insisted that she wore it. And when he saw her in one, he bought her even more. And Rachel Berry never let her parents down, she never wanted to dee a look of disappointment on their faces. Rachel was a perfectionist – she had heard it being said about her, and she liked the sound of it.

So, that first day of school; there was a _moment _when she needed her mommy to dress her in the morning, there was another moment when she needed her mommy to do her hair in even, pretty bunches.. maybe with a ribbon in her hair, too. There was another moment, perhaps the most hurtful moment when they arrived at the school gates and she looked up at her two dads, trying not to cry. She knew they thought she was upset because she had to go to school now, and that meant she was a big girl, but really, she was upset because she could see all the mommy's and the daddy's saying goodbye to their children, and all she had were daddy's. She felt left out.

She kissed both her dads on the cheeks, and smiled as best she could at them – after all, she was upset but she was still Rachel Berry, she had to please them. And then she said her quiet goodbyes, turning to go inside to try and flee the crying mothers, the mothers who held their children tight to them, wishing them luck and smiling and waving at them as they walked into the school. She looked behind for a second, only to see her dads waving at her and she took a deep breath to go inside the school, wondering if more hate would be waiting for her inside.

There were a lot of moments when she was five years old, there were too many moments for an older Rachel Berry to even remember them, it was a painful year for her as she kept getting told over and over again that her family was never meant to be. Her dads were not supposed to have her, she was not supposed to be alive, she was never meant to be _born. _And it hurt; she was a sensitive little girl, a girl who loved her dads more than anything else in the world. But then she was in school now, and people kept telling her what their parents said about her family and those who didn't hate her, kept away from her because she was _weird. _

There was the moment when someone pushed her over, and everyone laughed. She wanted a mommy to kiss her cut knee. There was the moment when someone tripped her over in class. She wanted a mommy to kiss away the tears of embarrassment. There was a moment when she got head lice from one of the girls in her class, and everyone spread around that it was her who got them first. She wanted a mommy to comb her hair and sympathise with her, but instead, her daddy stayed away and her dad kept her at arms length as he combed her hair – neither of them completely sure what to do, they had never got head lice when they were little.

Then there was a moment at parents evening; it was her first one, and she wanted her dads to be proud of how well she was doing in school, because they weren't happy about her lack of a social life – she had always preferred to stay away from the other kids, even the ones who were nice to her outside of school because they always made fun of her in the end. So, instead she would sit inside and do her homework, and then listen to Broadway shows and pretend her dolls were real, and have a tea party with them. She wanted to show them how good she was in school.

But instead, the memory was clouded by the glares of some of the parents, the way she saw some of the kids in her class with their mommy's, holding their hands tight and walking to the teachers. She could remember the way her heart hurt, and a longing took over her as she squeezed her daddy's hand even tighter than she already was. She needed a mommy there so she could fit in, she needed a mommy there so everyone would stop staring at her, she needed a mommy there so she could be just like everyone else and she needed a mommy there so nobody would hate her anymore. Rachel Berry had always only wanted to be liked, or loved.. she never wanted to be hated, or disliked and her five year old mind couldn't handle the glares, or the words, or the shoving, or the hate. Her five year old mind could only think that if she had been born into a _normal _family, like everyone said, then maybe people could like her. Maybe.

It was in that first year of school that Rachel changed; everyone noticed, everyone realized how the girl had changed over the summer before she came back to begin a whole new year at school. They hadn't changed though, everyone still hated her and her family.

She learned, when she was six years old to build up walls, to pretend like nothing hurts because it was better that way. So, she walked into school with her head held high, unlike the year before when she avoided all eye contact and she smiled at those who stared at her, she nodded her head and smiled as best she could at those who directed hateful words her way and she carried on like nothing ever hurt her.

She insisted her dads put her into as many outside school activities as possibly – all Broadway dream based of course, she wouldn't have it any other way. Dance lessons, music lessons, singing lessons – she did as much as she possibly could in order to fulfil her dreams, and avoid anyone bringing her down. She wanted to be _amazing, _she wanted to make people proud, and if she couldn't win them around by being nice, she would make them smile with her talent.

Yes, when Rachel Barbara Berry was five years old, she longed for a mommy to hold her, to kiss her goodnight, to tuck her in, to do her hair, to dress her, to tell her it would be okay, to make her feel normal, to make people like her. But when she was six years old, Rachel Barbara Berry decided she no longer needed a mommy, she didn't need people. She had her dads and that was what six year old Rachel needed, nothing else, nobody else because everyone else had hurt her.


	3. Ten Years Old

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

Ten Years Old

"_We do not remember days; we remember moments." _

Rachel did not think about having a mother for a long time after that, it was always deep down, too deep down that she completely ignored that horrible longing. She pushed the longing so deep down, instead covering it up with her need to be a star, to be on Broadway. Broadway took over the yearning she had for her mom.

She walked through school with her head held high, her books pressed close to her chest as she ignored everyone who even looked at her. She ignored the snide comments, the glares, the laughs when someone would trip her over in class, or when someone would push her against the lockers in the hallway. She smiled at those who would tease her because she was _better _than them, she would be out of this town and they would forever remain Lima Losers.

She never broke, she never cracked, not even in the privacy of her own home. She focused on her dreams, her ambitions, and she convinced herself that she did not need friends, just like she did not need a mother. She didn't anyone but herself, and her talent.

It was when she was walking home from school one day, holding that days homework close to her chest as she just focused ahead, running through Broadway lyrics in her head. She didn't really pay any attention to those around her, or anything that happened around her; too busy focusing on getting these lyrics completely right. And it wasn't until a man tapped her on her shoulder that she looked up.

She smiled at the man – Rachel Berry smiled at _everybody, _she was hurting all the time but she was polite. He smiled back down at her and held up a leash, "My dog ran off, could you help me find her?" She bit down on her lip and nodded, because deep down she wanted to be liked by others. She remembered the line; 'don't talk to strangers' and campaigns like 'stranger danger!' but this man had lost his dog! And Rachel loved dogs.

So she followed him, calling out the dogs name with him, looking around. She was relieved when she saw a dog wandering around, glad for her faith that people were good – not everyone who approached a little girl was an evil monster. She was _so _happy that she was right, that she helped him take the small spaniel to the car, grinning when she got in. "I'm really glad you found her, mister. We lost a cat not so long ago, I still hope he'll come home though." She grinned up at him and he nodded, opening the car door.

"I'll give you a lift home to thank you for your kindness." She smiled and took his outreached hand, getting into the car. She never thought anything of it – he had a dog, the dog was real, he had actually lost his dog. Therefore, in her mind, he wasn't the evil paedophile that some would have believed. She smiled at him as he drove and she told him where she lived, playing with the dog who crawled onto her lap. "So, how old are you?" She smiled and started answering his questions – she was ten, she lived with her two dads, she wasn't popular in school, she was going to be on Broadway, she was going to be a star, she loved to dance, she loved to sing and she loved to be on stage. He smiled and nodded, and she finally felt as though someone was listening to her – her dads loved her but they were busy now that she was older.

It was when they drove past the turning that lead to her house that she realized something just wasn't right. "Um.. Mister.. you just drove past.." She gulped and looked at him, but he never answered. He stayed silent and she was too scared to say anything else as she held the little spaniel close to her.

She heard horror stories on the news about this happening to other kids, and she started her goodbyes in her head – goodbye daddy, goodbye dad... goodbye mommy that I will never know. Her eyes watered and she bit her lip, her heart hurting when she thought about her mom for the first time in so long. She closed her eyes, trying to think about what the woman would look like – did she look like Rachel? Was she a star, too? Did she have an amazing voice? Was she talented like Rachel? Did she ever think about her daughter?

She tried not to cry, she didn't do sadness. She didn't cry, especially not in front of people. Even not the people who were going to hurt her. She hummed instead, humming _The Dark I Know Well _from Spring Awakening – she wasn't allowed to see it, but her dads didn't know she found their Broadway CD and she had fallen in love with the sad song.

She bit her lip when they pulled up finally and she looked at the man, her big brown eyes begging for him to let her go. Let her go so she can run back home to her dads and beg them to let her get in contact with the mother she needed so badly. She wanted to explain to them how when she was terrified, she wanted her mommy to hold her and she wanted to know the woman just in case something happened to her.

She wanted them both to hold her and explain to her that her mommy loved her, and that she wanted to see her. She wanted them to tell her that her mom had been looking for her, that she was waiting. She needed to hear that as she looked up at the man who stared at her with a look she would only later recognise as greed. His hand was on her knee and she closed her eyes tight, imagining her mom.

She was terrified and she decided that if she got out of this alive, then she would start trying with people. She would start making eye contact, and try talking to people. She would offer those in choir constructive criticism instead of pretending like nobody existed. She would change once more. Just like she had gone from the happy, chatty girl to the closed off, walls up kind of girl, to the closed off, walls up kind of girl who spoke to people, who tried to make friends. And maybe the girl who would someday have friends.

She never spoke while he ran his hand up her tiny leg, and she never opened her eyes. Not until the sound of sirens could be heard behind them, and then the sound of doors closing. She opened her eyes to look at the panicked man and she bit down on her lip, holding the dog closer to her. She never completely registered the policewoman helping her out of the car, holding the girl close until an ambulance would come. Rachel just closed her eyes, clinging onto the woman's top, imagining the woman to be her mommy as she closed her eyes tighter. She wondered if it would feel this good to be held by her own mom, as the policewoman held her close and rubbed her back, soothing her with soft words as the tiny girl shook in her arms.

She cried when she was forced to leave those warm arms, she cried and she screamed and she was terrified. Terrified that her mommy had left her again, terrified that she was going to die and never see her mommy and she was terrified because she had felt so warm and so loved for a second, and it was everything she had denied herself for the past five years.

She remembered her dads running into her hospital room, after being told their daughter had gone into shock after what happened. They had been reassured that someone who had seen the girl get into the car had called the police on time, and she had not been harmed but it didn't stop the fear that something could have happened to their precious girl. And Rachel would look back on the time after as her parents being the most protective they had ever been for the six months after – where the three of them took the time to move on together.

But it was that longing she could never forget. Sometimes, she forgot about the man in the car and the dog. Sometimes, she forgot about being so scared for her life. Sometimes, she forgot that she thought she was going to die. But she never forgot that need she had for a mother, the thought hadn't occurred to her for so long but she _needed _one, she didn't just want one, she actually needed one. She longed for that touch that her dads couldn't give her, she longed to bury her face in her mom's hair as the woman sang to her. Sometimes, she would close her eyes and imagine the woman on a Broadway state – hey, Rachel had to get her star potential from somewhere, right? She would sing into her empty bedroom and put a hand on her heart, pretending the backing vocals were her mom signing with her – her talent came from the woman, she knew that.

She had gained so much from someone she never knew; she could feel it in her heart that her mother was a talented, kind, stubborn woman that would often be described as a triple-threat – just as Rachel was. And she could only imagine what it would feel like to be brought up by this woman who would nurture and expand her talent, and make Rachel the girl she longed to be – liked by others, for one.

There were too many moments after the age of ten, and it all started with that man. So many moments where she wished she could have a mom to hold her and tell her it would be okay. So many moments she wanted to share with the woman she would later discover to be Shelby, the woman who turned out to be everything Rachel had predicted. The woman who never wanted her because Rachel wasn't young enough anymore – and it hurt, it hurt because all Rachel could think was _Well, why didn't you come looking for me sooner, then?_


	4. Thirteen Years Old

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

Thirteen Years Old

"_In those moments when we tell stories together, we are most truly human and most genuinely ourselves."_

Nobody turned up for her thirteen birthday, she never expected them to if she was being honest with herself. But it never stopped it hurting, in the end. She cried and she cried, and her dads didn't know what to do, other than tell her that some kids can just be cruel. But it never stopped it from hurting, not really.

She had just wanted to be liked, she had wanted to be someone people would remember, and they could say _"Hey, do you remember we went to school with that Broadway star, Rachel Berry?" _But instead, they shot her down and told her she would never make it, she was finding it too hard to focus on her dreams as the days went on. She hated this, she had longed for friends before but now she hated them, all they did was tear her down – nobody wanted her friend anyway.

She hid out in her bedroom until the day after, coming out to swear to herself that she wouldn't let them get to her anymore. She was becoming more and more focused on her dream, and the longing she had for her mother. She imagined the woman to be strong and stubborn, so she would be the same way. It wasn't until this very day that she asked her dads about her biological mother, she sat down with them around the table at dinner time, gathering the courage to ask them.

"Dad, daddy.. what's my real mommy like?" She bit her lip and looked at them both, putting down her fork as they both stared back at her. She felt herself getting more nervous by the second, as they both opened their mouth to talk but neither of them said anything. She watched them patiently as they looked from each other and back to their daughter,

"She's.. very much like you, sweetie. We don't know much about her, we didn't have too much time with her." She smiled and played with her dinner, waiting for him to continue speaking. "She's stubborn, and she follows her dreams no matter what. She had a beautiful singing voice and she would sing to you all the time when you were in her stomach, she was destined to be on Broadway just like you are but I don't think she ever made it. You see, when you're a surrogate, it's very confusing, and you lose contact with each other in no time at all."

Rachel nodded and bit down on her lip, sighing, "Do you think she thinks of me?" Her daddy nodded and smiled,

"I really, really think she does. She was so happy when you first kicked, and she wanted to hold you so much but she thought it better not to. She said you were too beautiful and perfect, that she would never want to let you go. So she said goodbye to you and to us, and moved on with her life. But I'm sure she still thinks of you, she loves you."

She ate slowly, thinking carefully, "When I'm older, do you think I can get to know her?" She grinned when they both nodded, and spent the days after much happier than she had been in a long time. She had assumed that her dads would be angry at her for bringing up the woman who had given her up so easily, but she was more at ease now knowing that maybe it wasn't such an easy choice after all.

She needed more though, and sometimes she found herself staring in the mirror wondering how much she looked like the woman, she traced her face carefully as she thought about if she got her eyes, her nose, her smile, the shape of her face, or her hair from the woman she longed to one day be able to call mom. She couldn't wait.

She would always remember the moment when she fell in love for the first time – well, she would look back on it and laugh, because when you're thirteen, love is a bit different from when you're sixteen, for example. But she would walk around school with her hand in this boys, and she would smile when he did. They broke up not long after, and she thought she was heartbroken. It was the first moment she wanted to talk to her mom about boys; she wanted to know how her mom would feel about her first boyfriend, she wanted to be able to sit down with her mom and eat chocolate and ice cream (all vegan friendly, of course) and discuss how much boys sucked. She really needed a mom in that moment, but instead she had so settle with a dad who had no idea what it was like to be a thirteen year old girl.

Another moment came not too long after, the day she had dreaded – her period. She was embarrassed when she had to walk downstairs, her face dark red and her eyes brimming with tears when she muttered to her dad that she had woken up and there was blood on her sheets. She could see them both visibly pale – neither of them had really ever prepared for this moment, she knew that but all three of them had known this day would come. She wanted a mom right there and then, someone who could understand and went through the same body changes once. She really needed a mom right there and then to take her hand and go upstairs to speak to her, and clean the sheets and then take her to the mall to get some necessary pads or tampons – and maybe explain the difference to her.

Instead, she had to go upstairs in her embarrassment and take the sheets back down to her daddy, who washed them without saying a word. So, she had to run upstairs and google what would be better to use for dancing and her busy lifestyle. She asked her dads for some money and went to get some herself, following the instructions carefully and then marking down the date of her very first period. She wanted a mom to be able to take care of her when the stomach cramps began, she wanted a mom, not _google. _She hated this, her dads were clueless, another woman would have gone through the same but they had no idea. They would never know.

She found herself crying over the period disaster, it took her over a year to get over the fact that she didn't have a mom to support her through the terrible time. And she finally accepted it, slowly.

There was another moment, not long before her fourteenth birthday that she needed a mom to go bra shopping with. Instead she had to suffer through the cringe worthy moment of shopping with her dad, who blushed and muttered, trying to get the day over with quickly. She couldn't help but feel that if she had a mom to do this with, the woman would take her time and pick up the correct ones, and she would understand more.

Thirteen was a difficult time for Rachel – her first boyfriend, her first period, the first time she needed a bra, the first time she had been kissed, the first time she was invited to a proper house party. There were so many firsts that Shelby had not been there to share with her, and Rachel would find herself wondering how much better that first year of being a teenager would be if only Shelby had found her sooner, or if the woman had just insisted on being a part of her life. Or maybe if her fathers had educated themselves more. She just needed a mom, she wanted a mom and she hated the fact she didn't have one.


	5. Sixteen Years Old

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

Sixteen Years Old

Rachel was happy when she reached sixteen – she had a boyfriend, a few people she could kind of consider friends, and she was co-captain and lead singer of the school Glee club. She was _happy._ She had just discovered who her mom was thanks to a tape that she had never seen before, which she found weird but she was too excited to wonder how it happened.

She listened to the tape hundreds of time, pressing repeat over and over again, smiling everytime she heard the voice. She was right – she got her talent from her mother. She had been right all along. She could hear the determination in the woman's voice, that beautiful voice that Rachel couldn't stop listening to.

She knew it was her, the moment she heard her sing, and she couldn't stop herself just walking up to the woman and announcing who she was. She couldn't help herself because she had been waiting for this moment for so long – she had longed for a mom and the woman was right in front of her. She couldn't stop herself from at least talking to the woman.

She hated herself later on when she thought about the moment she first met her mom. It was nothing like she thought it should be – it was not the reunion she had always imagined, they didn't go running into each other's arms, crying. They didn't tell each other they had been looking for the other, they didn't say I love you and they didn't even hug.. she should have known something was wrong with that.

She couldn't describe the happiness and pride she felt when her mom had helped her with the Gaga dress – she was excited, and she just wanted to show off her dress. That night, she couldn't bring herself to take off the dress because she realized it was the only memory she would have of her mom if this went the way she felt it was going.

And then the moment came, the moment she told her she wasn't the daughter she wanted. She wanted a _family. _And Rachel only just managed to stop the tears falling down her face when she thought, _but aren't I family? Aren't I your flesh and blood? _But she agreed with the woman because it was easier to pretend as though she hadn't been waiting for this moment for her whole life, it was easier to pretend as though she hadn't just been rejected, it was so much easier to pretend like it was her choice too.

She had gone home that night, clinging to the star cup and remembering the moment she had when her mom had given it to her. No, wait – her _mother, _not her mom. She closed her eyes tight, and it took everything in her to not throw the cup across the room in her anger, instead she put it away in the back of the cupboard, giving it a kiss before letting a tear fall down her face. And then the took her anger out on the damn tape the woman had made sure she got, the tape that had begun the pain. Shelby had sent the tape when she thought Rachel was good enough to be her daughter – that is how Rachel saw it – she had sent her the tape when she wanted Rachel to be her daughter, but one look at the girl and she changed her mind. And that hurt more than Rachel would ever admit.

Later in her life she wouldn't even admit to her husband the amount of pain that rejection caused her. She told him of course that she went home and smashed the tape, and then she left it at that. Her anger was gone, she cried for hours until it all came out to her dads – both of them had been angry but not angry enough to phone Shelby and put their daughter through the pain again. And thus, she returned to therapy – and she would pretend it helped, but deep down she would always feel like the girl who got rejected by her own mother.

It hurts more after because when she wants a mom to cry to when Jesse storms out when she can't have sex with him, it hurts even more after that when they break up he cracks eggs on her head. Shelby didn't even blink an eye though, she didn't come and apologize for what she had done to the girl and Rachel can only see it one way – Shelby brought Jesse into her life, and now it had only increased the pain. She _despised _the woman.

It was a whole year and a half later that she even sets eyes on the woman again – and the pain comes again. She can't tell anyone that when she found out her own mother had adopted the daughter of the one girl in school who made her life hell, she had cried and in that one moment of anger, and self-loathing.. and.. just pure sadness, she had cut herself. A single cut on her arm – she swore to herself she would never do it again, and she never told anyone.

She told her husband years later, and he held her as she cried at the memory. She was glad for him, but there were still so many moments she wanted to share with her mom. There were still so many moments of pain and sadness that she could have avoided if only she had a mom to share her life with. She had stared in the mirror the first time she laid eyes on Beth – she saw her and Shelby walking around the mall and she had ran away as fast as she could for the first time in her life. She had run from the truth because it just hurt so fucking much.

She had stared in the mirror for ages, wondering what was so wonderful about Beth. And everything came down to Quinn. She wondered if anyone knew how insecure she actually was, she was insecure before the rejection but that.. it completely ruined her. She began to question herself, question her talent, wonder if she was as good as she thought she was. She thought about Quinn – perfect, beautiful Quinn – the girl she hated more than anything. She was jealous, she would be the first to admit that. And she could only see it one way when she was sixteen; Finn had picked Quinn over her (again) and her mother had picked Quinn's daughter over her.

It seemed as though, in those late teenage years, when she finally managed to move on with her life and pretend like nothing hurt that much anymore. It seemed as though when she was happy, truly happy, Shelby would appear again. It had been the most perfect summer, three whole months of Finn and friends. She had found a best friend in Kurt since New York, and she had found a best friend in Blaine too. She was starting to get along better with those in Glee club as they all matured – and she decided not to be the annoying, bossy girl she had once been at the beginning of high school. And of course, Finn.. her wonderful boyfriend. The relationship was completely different this time and there were so many moments she needed her mom so she could ask her about different things.

She realized over that summer that her and Finn had to do some growing up before they could be together completely, and this was their time. He held her when she was upset, they laughed together, she would even let him kiss her when he had grease on his nose. Their relationship had grown, matured, it was _different, _in a beautiful way. And she found herself not regretting the past that once was because it made them who they were.

But of course, it was a major set back when she laid eyes on that woman once more. The way she walked through the school hallways like she owned them, and the way she just _stole _Mercedes, Santana and Brittany away from the Glee club. She wanted to approach the woman right there and then and tell her to back off, she wanted her to just go away and she was so close to begging her dads to take her back to therapy. But then, that was how the old Rachel Berry would have acted and so, as proof of her maturity, she allowed the woman to go through the hallways as though she didn't have a daughter who went to the school, she allowed herself to believe she had moved on and she confided in Finn.

The only time it began to hurt again was when she realized exactly how much more developed her and Finn's relationship had become over the years, when she realized that they were ready to _make love. _She wanted nothing more than to run to Shelby and ask the woman for advice, but instead she had to run to her 'friends' and beg them for advice, just like she had done nearly two years ago. Tina spoke to her as though a mom should have – she told her what the first time needed to be like, how perfect it should be, how it should be with someone you loved more than anything. And although the realization was clear to Rachel, the hurt came with the words too because in that _moment _she also realized it should be Shelby telling her this, it should be her mom.

She never really had anyone to tell after her and Finn made love for the first time. She held her virginity so close to her chest, and although she would never regret it, she still wanted someone to share her concerns with. She was too embarrassed to ask her dads, she could never ask Finn, or any of the other boys and the girls.. she felt too embarrassed to ask them what would be better – the contraceptive pill or the jab? She found herself about to knock on Shelby's office door, biting down on her lip as tears threatened to fall as she thought about the mother who never wanted her and she backed away. Because she couldn't stand to see that rejection in her eyes, or hear those words again.

In the end, it was Finn's mom who sat her down – Rachel could only assume Finn had told the woman, because she knew they had a strong relationship that she had found herself jealous of because she didn't have the same with any of her parents. Rachel had never been so grateful for Carole – the only woman, and _mother – _who had taken any time to explain to Rachel exactly what was best, and how to go about things. She remembered crying and hugging the woman, thanking her because she could only wish she had someone to help her in that way. And although she had never been so thankful to have her boyfriend's mother in her life, she couldn't help but cry over the fact her mom wasn't there to share the _moment _with her.


	6. Twenty Two Years Old

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

Twenty Two Years Old

Rachel could only have one word to describe her time in college – _amazing. _She loved every moment of it, she thrived in the environment, she loved gaining new knowledge, she enjoyed making new friends and most of all, she adored the fact that people actually appreciated her talent. From the moment she got accepted into NYADA, she knew great things would come. She knew that her whole life had changed from that moment, and she couldn't be happier.

She never said her goodbyes to Shelby; the woman was there at graduation – no doubt to say goodbye to Puck; who Rachel and the rest of the Glee club had found out in a quite dramatic event, had been _fucking _her oh-so-wonderful mother. Their 'relationship' if that was what it could be called, did nothing for Rachel's relationship with Shelby, and completely ruined any friendship she had with Noah. But even if she was mad, when she saw Shelby there, she _pretended _that the woman was there to share the moment with her, not others.

It had turned out, that Finn realized his dreams. She would never forget that day, and she wondered when he had become so romantic. They had just placed in the top five for Nationals and right there and then, he got down on one knee, she would forever remember how she didn't feel panicked at all, how it felt so _right, _despite the fact she was only eighteen years old. She could still close her eyes and picture the look on the faces of her friends and Mr Shue, and even Shelby who paired up with the Glee club when neither had enough members to go through to sectionals to begin with. She found herself glad that maybe Shelby would change her mind now, but to no avail.

_Finn dropped down on his knee suddenly, and while everyone still celebrated, the world for Rachel and Finn froze. She had noticed him drop when she went to kiss him and she bit her lip, and no one else really noticed until an excited gasp/squeal came from Kurt and Blaine. She could feel herself tear up already and she warned herself to calm down because it may not be what it looks like. _

"_You told me that.. I've outgrown my dreams, and I would have to find new ones. And I have.. finally." He laughed nervously and pulled out a small box from his pocket, taking a deep breath, "I started searching for this dream.. somewhere my life would lead me but it all came back to one thing – Rachel Berry. I could not imagine my world without you, I can't imagine a dream without you and I know I have told you that your dreams are too big for me, and for this town but.. my dream is you, Rachel. Maybe that makes my dreams too big but I know.. I know we're destined to be together, you always say that, don't you? We're tethered together, forever." _

_She ignored the gagging noises from Puck, knowing he meant no harm when out the corner of her eye, she saw him grab Quinn's hand. She kept her focus on Finn instead, trying to resist the urge to run her hands through his perfect hair as he tried to find the right words to say, "I just... I love you so much, Rachel Barbara Berry.. I need you in my life, you've changed me for the better. I found myself looking at New York, and I decided somewhere along the way that.. well, I've been taking some classes and I finally got my certificate." He grinned, and she was so happy to see the pride for himself in his eyes, "I got a job offer.. I wanted to tell you but I wanted to be certain first, and I'm officially going to be a FDNY paramedic, and I'm going to work my way up and one day, I hope to become a fire-fighter. And I never would have done this if it wasn't for you, Rachel Berry. I would be a Lima loser forever; I would have been stuck in the loss of my dreams, without someone to help me realize what my dreams are.. I would be here forever."_

_She could feel herself tearing up as she bit her lip, wanting to tell him how proud she was of him but for the first time in her life, she was completely and utterly speechless. He laughed nervously and shook his head, "I just.. you are my dream, you helped me realize a dream and.. oh my God, I just want to spend the rest of my life with you. So, I've rambled on a bit – maybe I've been spending too much time with you but uh.. yeah.. where was I?" He grinned again and opened the box, shaking his head, "Rachel Barbara Berry, will you marry me?" _

_Seven words. Seven words to change her whole life forever and she wasn't afraid, she was... everything but afraid. She loved him, and somewhere along the way her dreams changed, too. She still wanted to be on Broadway but she wanted him more. "Yes, Finn Christopher Hudson, I would be honoured to be your wife." She smiled when he slid the ring onto her finger and jumped up to kiss her. She felt relieved when no one pulled them apart, or told them stop 'getting their mack on' because she wanted this moment to remember forever. _

_When they pulled from each other, she turned to look at everyone while the girls gasped and screamed over the ring that was now on her finger. But her attention remained on the one woman who had been there to share the moment with her, and for a moment, Rachel could have sworn she saw tears in her eyes before she turned and murmured something to Mr Shue. _

She smiled at the memory, looking down at the engagement ring, she could only wish that Shelby would have taken the moment to run to her and wrap her arms around her – and just congratulate her daughter on her happiness, but instead the woman had turned around and walked away. And Rachel wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

Her and Finn spent the first year apart – she stayed in dorms (she actually spent most of her time at his place) and he got his own small apartment. They decided they would live together the year after, and she could only smile at the amount of apartments they looked around until they found the perfect one. It was perfect to say the least; her and Finn were happy, she was happy in school and she was just nineteen years old when she got her first big part on Broadway – she was _well _on her way to getting her first Tony before she was twenty five.

She spent three years playing Velma Kelly and she couldn't have been happier, and when the time came to leave at twenty two years old so she could move on to play Wendla in the Spring Awakening revival, she couldn't have been more grateful to the director who had discovered her just three years before.

So, at twenty two years of age, and on her second Tony nomination, and hopefully soon to be second win, and in one year, she would be on her third Broadway show – she couldn't say no to playing Elphaba in Wicked but she wanted more time with Wendla first – she was _happy. _No, she was... so much more than happy, she was content, on cloud nine all the time.. amazed at how well her life was going for her.

There was always something missing though – she would never admit it, she wanted people to believe she was completely and truly happy no matter what. She wanted people to believe she had fully accomplished her life so far, but there was _someone_ missing. Someone else who should have been there for her when she won the Tony, someone else who should have showed up to all her shows and congratulated her every single time, there was someone else who should be proud, there was someone else who should cry with happiness because their daughter got everything she ever wanted. She needed that someone to stand by her dads, full of pride - "look at the daughter we brought up." _Just look at the daughter you gave us, Shelby. _She needed to hear the words, _I am so proud of you, _from just one other person because no matter how much Rachel tried to deny it, she needed a mom to tell her those words.

The moments seemed to be coming less and less as she got older, but the moments were becoming more and more significant, more meaningful. Mom, why weren't you there for my first ever Broadway show? Mom, why weren't you backstage to congratulate me and tell me how proud you were? Mom, why weren't you there when I graduated from NYADA? Mom, why weren't you there when I won my first Tony award? Mom, won't you be there when I win my second? Mom.. _why aren't you here?_

If you asked an eighteen year old Rachel Berry if she missed her mom, she would tell you no. She was bitter, embarrassed that her mom rejected her so many times, she blamed herself because if she were to tell the truth, and admit what her twenty-two year old self said to people when they asked, then yes, yes she missed her mom. She had missed out on having a mom since the day she was born, and she missed Shelby – in the short time they had together, Rachel knew she loved the woman and that hurt more than anything else ever could. Their similarities were striking, but their differences were there too.. because a twenty-two year old Rachel would tell those that wondered, that she would **never **walk out on her child, she would _never _sign a contract to not see a child that was a part of her and she would never walk out on that child a second time.


	7. Twenty Five Years Old

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

Twenty Five Years Old

Rachel Berry was happy to say the least. Her life was _perfect _in every single way possible. She was married, she was pregnant with their first child and she had won four Tony's (_three _more than she had planned on by this age) and she was going to be playing Fanny Brice in the Broadway revival of 'Funny Girl' _(she knew this day would come). _The show wouldn't be for another year, so she would have plenty of time with her beautiful son until her dream was fully accomplished.

She rubbed her very pregnant stomach, and grinned at the book in front of her. She knew this was another moment when her mother should be here. She had got into contact with her just a year ago – not enough contact that she had been invited to the wedding, but enough contact that she knew what generally went on in her life. She told her she was pregnant, she congratulated her. She told her she would be performing as Fanny Brice, she was happy for her. She told her when Finn was on sick leave from work because he got caught in a fire, she was sad for her. But that was as far as it went.

Not once did Shelby offer to come visit, and Rachel never asked. Neither were sure if the other wanted them in their life, although Rachel knew she desperately wanted a mom in her life one day. She wanted her baby boy – Christopher William Hudson – to have a grandmother, another grandparent to indulge the boy and any other future grandchildren to come along.

Rachel Barbara Berry-Hudson had lived her life long plan – Tony award winner, pregnant and married by twenty five. She was amazed at how well it had all walked out, and if she was honest, she would admit that sometimes, she panicked when Christopher didn't kick, or she cried when Finn didn't come home at the time he said he would because she knows that life wasn't supposed to be this perfect, and she can't help but wait for something to destroy that.

The moment comes, of course it does – in the form of an older, brunette woman on her doorstep. She rubs her stomach protectively – she's only a few days away from the due date – and she wonders why this woman was here, after not setting eyes on her since graduation seven years ago. She eyes the bruise on the woman's cheek, and the cut lip and she shakes her head. "What are you doing here?" It comes across colder than she meant it to, but truth be told – she's terrified of this moment.

"It's the only place I could think of.. I'm.. sorry." She shook her head and let her mother in, calling Finn to help with the bags. She smiled at him when he stared at the other woman, grabbing the bags as Rachel led Shelby to the couch. She wanted to ask the woman so many questions, she wanted to ask her where the bruises come from but she didn't know where her place was in this relationship – should she offer her the guest room? Should she recommend a motel? This was just a _moment _where Rachel wished her mom had been there for her whole life, so there wouldn't be any awkward moments like this.

Rachel smiled at her husband when he walked over to them, the silence breaking thanks to her one and only love. "Shelby? Can I ask what you're doing here? I mean, I'm thankful if you're here to sort out your relationship with Rachel, but if you're not.. she's very close to the due date and.. I would very much appreciate it if you left, if you're here for something other than a relationship with her, that is." Rachel put a hand on his, smiling when he rambled on.

The older version of Rachel nodded, "I am.. I've wanted to for a long time but I've never managed to.. sort myself out.. enough.." She sighed, and Rachel felt the need to hug the woman – if she could, her stomach seemed to get in the way of even the simplest of tasks. This woman was nothing like the Shelby she remembered, nothing at all. She was weak, she looked worn-down, she looked like a _victim. _

"I met someone... about two years ago.. and then a year into the relationship, we got in contact.. and I was so happy but I couldn't come and see you. The phone conversations hurt so much, because.. I just needed to be the mom you deserved." She took a deep breath, "There were _so _many moments I've missed out on, and I don't want to miss out on anymore, Rachel. I gave you up for both selfish reasons, and selfless reasons – I wanted your dads to be happy, but I wanted the money to begin my life in New York. And then I walked out on you again when you were sixteen because I was scared that I had already missed out on too many moments, I was terrified that you no longer needed me. And I know that wasn't the case.."

Rachel could only nod, watching as Finn kissed her forehead and then went to take Shelby's bags up to the guest room – she guessed he wanted to leave them both alone. "You don't have to explain to me.." She began, rubbing her stomach when Christopher kicked.

"No.. I want to and I have to. I should have come here a year ago, and I have to admit.. I came to most of your shows.. I've been to every single opening night and every single closing show you've done. And a few inbetween.. you are amazing on stage, Rachel. You belong there, and I am so proud of you. I just sit there with a huge smile on my face, I cry with your character.. I laugh with your character. I have never seen someone belong on that stage as I have you.." She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair,

"I don't know what happened – I don't know when I became a victim. But I guess I did along the way, I got into a relationship I never should have but I was depressed after Beth was given back to Quinn.. and he was violent.. and I am so ashamed of myself. I left him.. and this was the only place I thought of to go." Rachel bit down on her lip and closed her eyes tight – she was always known to pick up on others emotions, and she could barely control her own when she wasn't pregnant, so it was so much harder now that she was.

She let a tear fall down her cheek, a pang of guilt rushing through her as she thought about how many times she had told her mother how perfect her relationship with Finn was. When she told him of the time she came home to rose petals scattered everywhere, and a romantic dinner, and how the whole night had been so beautiful. And then she would tell her how Finn would have a lovely bubble bath waiting for her after a long day of work. All the while she had no idea what her own mother was going through.

"I'm so sorry.." She finally whispered, biting her lip hard when Christopher decided to kick again. She smiled when Shelby asked if she could feel, and she nodded, almost afraid to admit to herself that she had imagined this happening more than once as the older woman reached over to touch her stomach. She felt Christopher react to his grandmother and she grinned wide, "He knows.. who you are, I mean.."

Shelby smiled wide and moved closer to her daughter, the daughter she had longed to hold for so many years. "I'm so sorry for missing out on so much.. I never thought.. I mean, there was so much I could still have been a part of but then.. I knew it would never be the same. You live with your dads, and I could never have you as completely mine. I was so selfish but.. after what happened, I realize how much I want to have a daughter in my life, and how much I want that daughter to be you."

"I've wanted to hear you say that for so long now.." Rachel whispered, "I imagined you sitting on the table at the Tony awards.. you'll come to the next one, won't you? I mean, I know it's a bit far in advance, but the Broadway revival of Funny Girl is bound to win a few awards.." Rachel stopped, blushing,

"I'm glad you haven't changed much, Rachel." Shelby admitted, pushing some hair from the girls face, "I'm so happy that you have this life.. I'm so happy for you."

"Will you stay? You can't go back to your house, and.. I want to get to know you better. I want to.. share all those moments with you and I know there will be more to come. I want to be a part of your life, and I need you in my life." Shelby nodded and wrapped her arms around her very pregnant daughter,

"I need you in my life, too. And I would love to stay.. if you want.." Rachel grinned and called down her husband, asking him to show Shelby the guest room.

She watched Shelby walk ahead of them as Finn tried his best to help her up the stairs, something which was becoming more and more of a struggle as the pregnancy passed. "Were you this big when you were pregnant with me?" She finally asked, looking at the woman who turned around and nodded,

"You were surprisingly huge, I could barely move. I mean, you're a lot smaller than I was back then, so I can imagine carrying that around isn't too much fun." Rachel laughed and rubbed her stomach, nodding, "It's a bit of a pain, he's going to be huge like his daddy, I think."

Shelby could only nod and laugh at the tiny girl as she struggled to move, "Will you let me be there for the birth? At least outside.. I want to see him." Rachel wrapped her arms around the woman and nodded, "I would love for you to share this moment with me. Just this one moment.. and hopefully more to come."

Finn watched his wife and mother-in-law, smiling, so glad that finally, after twenty-five years that Rachel could finally have a change with the mother she wanted to have a relationship with for so long now. He put a hand on his wife's lower back, kissing the back of her head before walking them both to the guest room, "I've put your bags in here, and there is an adjoining bathroom so feel free to shower or whatever."

Shelby thanked him, saying goodnight to them both before they took the _slow _walk to their own bedroom, both of them holding each other as best as they could without Rachel's stomach getting in the way, as they slowly fell asleep.

~ .. ~

It was the early hours of the morning when Shelby was woken up by a loud scream, she slowly got out of the bed and smiled when she heard the panicked words of one, Finn Hudson as he shouted down the phone to a person she could only assume with his mother, or someone else in his family. She had gotten to know him so much better over the past few days, and she knew that this moment was one of relief and stress for the both parents. She got dressed and walked into the bedroom, watching as Rachel sat up in bed trying to take deep breaths as Finn paced back and forth as he spoke on the phone.

She took the hospital bag and offered a small smile to her daughter, kissing the girls forehead softly. "It's going to be okay, alright? I know this is scary but.. you will forget all this panic and all the pain when you are holding that beautiful baby boy in your arms." Rachel gave her a small smile, which quickly turned into a grimace as she put a hand on her stomach again.

The mother watched as her daughter's husband walked over to her, after he put the phone down, letting them both know that their families were on their way to the hospital – Shelby was aware both sides of the family were in town awaiting the birth of the newest Hudson-Berry. She walked behind them both as they walked to the car, Rachel screaming in pain every so often as Finn panicked, _"Oh shit, oh shit.. oh shit.. oh fuck. Oh my.. oh fucking... fucking hell.. shit..." _She knew that if Rachel wasn't so focused on being in labour right now, she would have told him off for his language. She shook her head when he went to go into the drivers seat, getting in it herself when she took the keys from him.

It was only a few hours until she was looking at her grandson, _Christopher William Hudson. _And she had never seen such a beautiful baby boy, a sense of pride swelled through her as she held him in her arms, a tear falling from her face as she kissed his forehead before passing him around to Hiram, who passed him onto Leroy and it carried on like that until the boy was back in Rachel's arms.

Rachel looked up at her mom and smiled wide, "I'm so glad you're here for this moment.. this means more to me than anything else." They both smile at each other, a nod of understanding between them before Rachel focuses on her first baby, rocking him gently as Finn sat next to her. Shelby laughed at the way he tried to hide the way he was holding his injured hand from his wife – she had managed to squeeze it so hard, he was pretty sure it was broken, but whenever he moaned about it, Rachel would threaten him so he managed to stay quiet while he stared down at his baby boy.

And both Rachel and Shelby knew that out of all the moments they had missed in each other's lives, this was more perfect than anything. Rachel was so glad she had the woman here to share this _wonderful _moment, a moment they could never relive. _And she had never been happier. _


	8. Thirty Two Years Old

**Disclaimer: See last chapters. **

Thirty-Two Years Old

Shelby held onto her daughter's hand as tight as she possibly could as the woman sobbed next to her. She watched as her daughter's husband held onto her other hand as tight as he could, some tears finding their own way down his face as he tried to concentrate at the coffins ahead of him. Shelby didn't know what to say or do, she loved Hiram and Leroy in her own way for the way they brought up her little girl, she loved them for loving her. But she never _knew _them, she had spent time with them but not enough to truly say she knew the two fathers.

She watched as the coffins were lowered, the woman shaking with devastation at the thought of losing _both _parents. Shelby knew what it was like to lose one, she had been depressed for months after she lost her dad, but Rachel had lost both of them to a horrific car crash, and she could do nothing but offer words of comfort that fell on deaf ears.

She stood with Rachel after the ceremony ended, watching as her friends and family slowly dispersed to their cars, waiting for the girl back home for the wake. She stood there patiently, nodding in understanding at Finn as he tried to comfort the small seven year old boy who had no idea what was going on fully – but he was very much like his mother in the way he picked up on others emotions. It was his cry for his mommy that pulled Rachel from her trance as she ran towards her little boy and hugged him tight, trying her best to calm him down as tears ran down her own face.

Shelby walked to pick up the small five year old girl – Rosabella Ann – smiling a little at Finn as he bit down on his lip. "Rachel, honey.. the twins will be wondering where we are, shall we go home now?" She nodded at her husband and kissed Christopher's head, whispering a goodbye to both her dads before getting in the car. Shelby watched her new family get in the car and smiled to herself, she was so glad she could be here for Rachel the moment she buried her wonderful fathers – she needed a mother more than ever on this day.

She stayed close to Rachel for the whole day, helping Finn with the kids – she was the grandmother to five (soon to be six) now and although it was hard work for the still young parents, she knew both of them had always longed for a big family. Two years ago, when Rachel had the twins, she had given up a life on Broadway and taught Musical Theatre at the local school – something she loved equally as much as being on Broadway. She watched as Christopher tried to help his dad as much as possible, but the boy was only seven and he had a short attention span; _very much like his father, _Carole would always say.

Rosabella was like Rachel in every single way possible – she was a little diva, with a powerful voice, a triple threat in the making. Their four year old, Riley was shy, and even at her young age would be found with her nose in a book in the corner of the room – very much like she was doing now as she stayed out of everyone's way. And then the two year old twins; Jennifer and Jonah came along next. And Shelby couldn't be prouder, she had a wonderful family and she had been there to experience every single moment, every single birth.

She would be the first to admit that she was worried about Rachel, the girl was six months pregnant and she had just lost the two parents she had grown up with, the dads she had been so proud to call her own for so long now. She watched her carefully, waiting for any sign of exhaustion, or pain so they could finally tell the woman to slow down. She met Finn's eyes and nodded when he frowned, his own eyes following his wife's as she met with every guest, and fussed after everyone.

"Shelby, I'm going to put the kids in bed – they're all exhausted, and Christopher is still really upset.. can you have a word with Rachel? My mom has tried but she won't stop." He sighed and grabbed Rosabella as she tried to run past him, giving her his best stern look as she nodded and walked upstairs, clinging onto her older brother's hand.

"Of course.. I'll say goodbye to the guests and then try and get her into bed.." She hugged the man and sighed, going to find the woman she loved so much. She finally found her with the rest of the Glee kids, hugging them all as they promised to drop around tomorrow, she found herself smiling gratefully at them as they announced the end, and went to see all the guests out, with Kurt and Blaine staying behind with Burt and Carole to help clean up so Rachel didn't get a chance to do anything.

Shelby took the moment to grab her daughter and lead her up the stairs, not saying a word to her as she took her into her old bedroom of her dad's house. Not a word passed between them as got her changed and wrapped her arms tight around her, going only on her motherly instincts as the girl sobbed into her chest, clinging into her mom as though she was afraid the woman would disappear at any second. "I'm not going anywhere." Shelby whispered to her, kissing her head, "I'm right here.. okay? And you need to be right here for your babies." Rachel nodded and pulled away, wiping her eyes.

"I miss them so much.. it really hurts. I can't imagine a family event without them, I try to.. I close my eyes and try to imagine them not being here, but it makes my heart break and I don't think I will be able to do it. I love them both so much.. they were my everything when I was a little girl – not many people liked me, so they took time to play with me, and make me the person I am today... I wouldn't be this person if it wasn't for them." She sobbed again and held onto Shelby tighter, "Mommy.. make them come back." She finally whispered as the mother lay her daughter down and kissed her forehead.

"It's going to hurt for a while, Rachel but it will get easier, I promise. I'm going to be right here, and you have Finn and your children, and a lot of friends who love you very much. I promise that it will be okay one day." Rachel just nodded and rubbed her stomach, biting down on her lip.

"Daddy and dad liked the name Joseph – they were going to name me it if I was a boy." She smiled and rubbed her stomach again, "I need to speak to Finn about it but I love the name.. I think he'll agree." Shelby nodded and put a hand on top of her daughter's,

"He will love it, Rachel. Now you have to sleep, okay? You have to get plenty of sleep because it's been a long day." Rachel nodded,

"Can you hold me for a while? Until I fall asleep?" She nodded and moved to lay next to the girl, looking around the room she had when she was a teenager – Leroy and Hiram hadn't changed it at all, and she smiled at the gold stars that pretty much covered every corner of the room. She wrapped her arms tight around the woman and closed her eyes,

"_Do not stand at my grave and weep, _

_I am not there, I do not sleep. _

_I am a thousand winds that blow, _

_I am the diamond glint on snow, _

_I am the sunlight on ripened grain, _

_I am the gentle, gentle autumn rain. _

_Do not stand at my grave and weep, _

_I am not there, I do not sleep. _

_When you awake in the morning rush, _

_I am the swift uplifting rush, _

_Of quiet birds in circling flight._

_I am the soft, soft starlight, starlight at night. _

_Do not stand at my grave and weep, _

_I am not there, I do not sleep. _

Rachel held on tighter to her mom and smiled, whispering a soft thank you, cuddling into her mom as she slept. Shelby smiled and played with the woman's hair as she watched her sleep, so glad she had walked back into her life to share all these moments with her – even the worst ones.


End file.
